I'm Not Dead Yet
by RaZoRxScReAm
Summary: What if Kuja didn't die right there? What if...he's still alive and he comes back searching for Zidane? What if he does something bad? WARNING: Rape, swearing. COMPLETE


**A/n:** All righty…this is my poorly done Kuja and Zidane fan fic. Why? Because I luff the couple so much! Squee… Anyways…I haven't decided if this should go into a chapter one…or not… Up to you guys oh and…sorry for anything. It's been a month since I beat the game and my mind is a little foggy so…I'm really sorry if I muck it up…

**Disclaimer:** I no own Kuja or Zidane or Garnet of Vivi or anybody. All right? SO DON'T LECTURE ME ABOUT IT! Now…onto the story!

**I'm Not Dead Yet…

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Why didn't I die in that place? Was there any meaning to my life continuing? Or was I to suffer as Zidane spoke those words to me…our final few movements together… Ha…you know what, I can't really remember that much before them. For some reason, they are just in my head, stuck. I can't get them out and…why do I feel this aching in my heart? Why do I hurt?

"I know you probably don't care…but I'm going to go and marry Garnet," He said, twisting his head as he looked at me, my eyes darting quickly to his face, as if trying to find out if he was serious or not. And truly he was. "Why…? If we are to die I-" "That's just it, you don't enjoy life while you're at it. Well, I guess you can't now, but, I love her. And I want to marry her…" You can not imagine how much pain I was feeling when he said he loved her. And for a minute, I felt like I'd die sooner rather then later, how foolish I was to think that death would come so easy to me…

After he left me, I thought that it would be the last time I saw him. That I would close my eyes and the slow embrace of this Death would hug me and warm my cold body. Tell me everything was all right and that I was going to a better place. That I'd be going to some sort of place where everything was all right and this pain in my heart would stop, where I would be free as I could fly with the grace of a bird. But, dear me how wrong I was. I had indeed closed my eyes, but when I opened them, I found that I was still alive and that the pain in my heart was still throbbing and feeding upon my very being. And my fingers curled about my garments upon my chest, I think I was about to start tearing them off, to start ripping apart my chest and pull out my heart so that I wouldn't feel this pain anymore and that I would die. But…

I'm not dead yet…

I had climbed up, sitting upon the giant vine I was left upon, my eyes going skyward to see I had been closed in and then…I noticed that he had left me, that he was to not die with me. I nearly scowled to myself, thinking that he wouldn't stay. Well…I can't say I was angry with Zidane. He had chatted non stop about his plans to marry her and well…I had been listening, letting the pain grow more. Damn! What is this pain! I hate it so much! Why can I not make it go away!

I was frowning at myself, that much I knew. I soon rose to my feet, feeling my clothes, my feathery hair…I recall all these feelings that I had lost in my moments of anger and daze. In my moments of brushing against death. I was already walking, I don't know when I started walking…I just…did start to walk. Climbing upwards, pushing past the thorns, the wines, anything that got in my way I would push past because well…I wanted to see him. Only he could get rid of this pain, right? I see it only fitting that he could since he was the one that caused it.

I don't recall how long it took me to get out…a few hours, not including the times I stopped to get my clothes off a snag or to stop my climbing and breathe, to regain my strength. But once I saw the light, once I could feel the warmth upon my cold flesh, I screamed. I don't know why, even to this day, why I screamed, I just…did. I think it was out of relief or happiness. But, I had screamed, and then…I fell and went unconscious.

I think it was the early morning when I awoke, but I was somewhere else. I was in a place I soon discovered was named Treno. I don't know how I got here exactly, but there was a kid combing my hair when I first woke up. She was giggling and laughing, and frankly…despite her kindness, she scared me. I know some people aren't naturally gifted with being beautiful but…well…she scared me dearly.

Her eyes were way too wide and she was missing a few teeth. Her nose was squished in and her fingers were grubby. I had to hold my nose from her stench and the room was no better. I don't wish to describe it, for I will make it seem better then what it was, lets just say it was in the slump parts of Treno where everyone was poor and what not. I had pulled away from her grasp, looking around me and I saw others. A woman and a man sitting at a table…and I believe I heard other children right outside of here. I had to see what was going on and see if anyone knew who I truly was…

I think I made her angry when I left her suddenly, slipping outside to look around. Almost right away my hand went up to my nose, holding it tightly. The stench was so powerful, I was almost knocked out of consciousness just from it. And that is saying something, was it not? I finally let go, after finally getting used to it to bare it, that took a few minutes out of my small…adventure would you call it? Was it an adventure that I was questing for Zidane? To ask him to take this pain and ache from my heart? Yes…truly it /must've/ been an adventure.

I moved down the streets, watching all the different children play, most stopping to stare at my beauty. No…I had no beauty. They were probably just staring at me because of the weird garments I wore. Better looking then what they wore, and what if they envied me? Would they hurt me should I try to leave this place, oh…I really should hope not. I must see him…

I'm not dead yet…

His hand moved carefully, stroking my hair gently and he was…smiling…? Why was he smiling at me? He was moving my body carefully, because I told him that I wanted to be moved, and he was listening to me. He had lifted me up into his arms and then helped me onto the vine I had woken up on. I remember curling my fingers around his shirt, pulling him down and whispering, "don't leave me" into his ear. I think I made him blush, I'm not too sure. But my other had took one of his, placing it upon my chest, where my heart was. I wanted him to feel the slow beat of the drum that pounded inside me. I wanted him to know I was dying slowly and he was to stay with me. But most of all, I wanted him to know how much I cared for him.

My eyes were soon opened, my body leaning carefully upon a grime covered wall. I didn't seem to mind much at the time, too caught up in my own thoughts. A few fingers combed my hair, and I was soon thinking again. How was I to get to Alexandria? No…I destroyed that place. Lindblum, that was where Garnet was, but of course. I could simply ask them, they would say I was right, that she was there. I didn't have to, I overheard them of course. They were…talking about the wedding. My eyes had widened at that thought. The wedding! It hadn't yet happened! I could tell him how I felt! And at that time, a small smirk over came me.

Though, the question still set a blaze into my mind; how was I to get there? It would take days to get there, and the wedding was tomorrow. And you can imagine, when one wanted answers right away, they did everything in their power. I was talking to people about how to get there by tomorrow. Can you imagine how oddly they looked at me? How they called me crazy? They said I couldn't get there in that amount of time unless I had an airship, and this I did not have any more.

I came across an old crippled woman, the gray shawls only matching her gray and greasy hair. In all, she scared me to no end, but she spoke of a way to travel between here…and Alexandria. She said the place was getting rebuilt and this mode of transportation was still functional because workers had to get supplies across, to start rebuilding it. Made you want to wander how long had I been gone, right? I thought only two or three days, turns out…it's been almost a year and a half now. Had I been in a coma or something? I had no idea… And you can imagine how deeply effected I was by this. But…I took her advice and headed towards the place she described to me, the one where it would take me to Alexandria.

Now made me think…if it was running, finally having life in it again…wouldn't the wedding be there? No, that was too obvious if you asked me. It had to be Lindblum they were having it in. Either way, I /needed/ to get there somehow…because…I /needed/ to see Zidane. I had moved to the place, finding no one home, much to my relief. I didn't wish to harm anyone…because I believe I would harm someone had they been here. And, I slipped in deeper until I saw my friend. A spider like creature with a basket. Was I to get into the basket? I didn't quite know, but I had anyways and soon it jolted to life and began moving, taking me to Alexandria…or so I hoped.

I had let go of Zidane's hand, rather, he sort of tugged it away from me. But…I pulled him closer, feeling his body pressing against mine, his heat being sucked into my cold body. I had pressed my ear to his chest, where his heart was, listening to it thump wildly, and I knew he must've been embarrassed by me doing such things, but I didn't care. He was so wonderful to listen to. I think I lost myself for awhile, he kept saying something about having to leave, but no…I didn't want him to leave me, but I knew he would. Once I was dead, he'd leave my body to rot, and I would be alone. I had pulled myself up, looking at his face and his blush. So cute, I smiled. Leaning forward and capturing his lips in my own and-

I nearly fell forward, the jolt had startled me ever so, telling me we were in Alexandria and I left it almost immediately, slightly afraid of falling asleep again, of remembering that year. And for you all must know, I knew this castle well, yet I was blind about this. Though, once I walked into the chamber, I knew exactly where I was, slightly enraged that the Queen would dare not tell me about this secret. But then again, I wasn't much interested. Had I known of the things to come well…it would've turned out differently. I slipped from room to room, looking at the palace that still stood fine, as it always had, as it always will. I was soon standing up upon the balcony, the night air calling up and rising goosebumps inside me and sending a shiver down my spine. And the wind ruffled my feathery hair, calling it in another direction. Enchanting it and twisting it around as it danced so beautifully with the wind as if this element was a human being.

I stopped thinking, looking around. Well, to much of my surprise, the wedding would be here. The place, despite the slight destruction that still clung to it for life, was very beautiful. Flowers, streamers, the works. It was all beautiful done up. For Garnet…and Zidane.

I twisted my head, looking at the door. And it was her, the woman he'd be marrying; Garnet. She was a work of beauty as well. Her hair, like a raven's wing tumbled down her back. A few strands of hair un-kept and caressing her frail and angelic looking face. Her dark eyes were narrowed beautifully, a bit of eye shadow to make them stand out. Her navy blue gown curved with her features, the sleeves long and hiding her delicate fingers. The gown slipping to hide the silk slippers that were sure to be underneath. She moved with a calm grace, hadn't noticed my presence at the balcony…yet. I had slipped up onto the roof before she could even see me, I didn't want her to. What would she think of me? Being alive and what not? Oh dear…she might hate me…

I stood up onto the roof, looking around as the wind began to blow again, sending more shivers down my spine as I stood there. My eyes closed for a minute. Then, they shot open, looking around. Had I just imagined it, or had I heard his voice? I was practically scrambling to where I heard him, and sure enough, I saw him.

He was still beautiful, and he was alone. He was wearing his normal outfit, then one I had seen him in when I was dying. Well…supposedly dying. He was talking to that…little black mage, but it wasn't him. No, it was one that looked like him. I could always tell the black mages apart, even if I didn't wish to. It was a bad habit. I don't think what they were talking about was any importance to me. For they spoke in hushed voices, I think about the wedding. I don't know how long I waited for the little black guy to leave, I don't even care. When he left, I slipped into the window, towards him. My fingers reaching out. I could already feel his heat-

"Kuja!" He had gasped, looking at me with wide eyes, backing off, leaving me to stumble forward slightly as I pouted. I had wanted to touch him, to hold him. I wanted to ask him about this pain I was feeling…why it wouldn't leave me alone. Why did it hurt so much at the thought of those two getting married? Why have I never felt like this before? But…I knew he wouldn't allow me to hold him, or touch him, or even capture his lips once again. I knew it, and was that all that mattered?

"Zidane…" I had whispered, creeping closer but as I thought, he stepped backwards, not allowing me to touch him. So, I would have to settle for letting my arms dangle at my side. I could see his face. It was so beautiful. All red and I think he was nervous at my presence. Who wouldn't be? I was supposed to be dead, remember?

I'm not dead yet…

"How did you survive?" He asked me, as if his voice was dripping with acid and hatred. So now…why did it hurt me so much? The way he said those words, it was like a thousand knives stabbing at my heart. Shredding it to pieces and ripping it up. I hated it…why could he do this to my heart? Why could only he do it…and not any one else? What made him so special? I suddenly found myself enraged. I don't know why, I just was. I can't help it.

And he looked so cute. He was blushing. My hands were holding onto his cheeks lightly, thumb stroking the tender flesh. I pulled away from him, his lips parted. He was utterly speechless. I remember smiling to myself, thinking how very cute he was in that moment. I had pulled him down again, but I think this time he wasn't as surprised when I did it. I kissed him again, deeper, with more passion. I was licking at his lips, I think I heard a small groan pass him as he opened for me. I wanted to be gentle with him, it sounded like this was his first, I wanted to make it special for him. I wanted him to know how wonderful losing his kissing virginity was.

In a feet of anger, he was soon pinned against the wall, my rage building, his rage building as well. Zidane was never one to be sorry, or at least I never thought he was. I was holding him with my body, gripping his shoulder firmly. "How did I survive! You make me sound like I'm so useless! That I have no feeling! Well, can you answer me! Why does my heart ache, why is it every time I see you with her I feel terrible! Why…why can't I get you out of my head…?" My anger was soon leaving me, I think his was as well. I was pulling away from him, slipping into a chair and sighing, combing my hair and nearly on the brink of tears. I know, I don't normally cry, but this was really hurting me for some reason.

He had moved over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder and sighing softly, quietly, as if to not disturb me any more then I already was. He was trying to be gentle with me, I knew he was. It was making me feel slightly better, but…I did want my questions to be answered. I knew only he could answer my questions and that's why I was only asking him.

"Because…" He began, starting out smoothly and calmly. "You're…you're in love. With me…but you're jealous that I'm marrying Garnet. Listen, I love her more…please understand that." It actually surprised me that he was being so kind to me, after all that rage he had just shown to me a minute ago. And…I felt weird. There was water rolling down the side of my face. I don't know what it was, but it was making me sniffle and do other things I wasn't used to.

Iremember reaching up and grabbing him, pulling him down and burying my face into his chest. I just wanted him to make these tears stop, I don't even know why I was crying. It hurt me so very much. And well…when I looked up at him, his face showed so much compassion. Why was he being so nice to me? All he did was make me force out more tears and clutch tighter to him. Why couldn't he love me and not her? I wanted him all to myself… That's what he called…jealousy…right? I just couldn't help it. I wanted him so badly, I wanted him all to myself, to tell me he loved me and not her. But…I guess that would never be possible.

Right away, when I pulled back, I grabbed his face, pulling him down and kissing him again, not waiting to hear him make any noises. I think he started to struggle, I'm not too sure. Seeing as I pushed him to the ground, forcing myself to kiss him more…to kiss him rougher, to kiss him with more passion. And my hands, they pinned his arms back, my body holding onto his. I think he started whimpering from the pressure on his tail, I'm not too sure.

I don't know what I was doing. My mind was screaming to stop it, but my body wouldn't have it. It kept disobeying me, despite how many times my mind yelled for it to stop, screaming and thrashing, every muscle inside me wanted to, but they were calmed down and listened to something else, continuing on. I think I started tearing away at his clothes, his screams filling the room. But you know what? I created a barrier, I blocked everyone out, I held in his screams. He kept calling me bad names, but I wasn't listening, obviously.

I licked at his neck, tasting the sweat that was going down his body. His bare body was so warm against my flesh, well, the parts that weren't clothed that is. I loved this feeling that was coursing through me. I knew he probably hated it, but I couldn't stop myself. My fingers stroking at his legs, the inside of his thighs was a favorite part for me. I kissed different places on his body, no place was safe from me. And well…in one swift motion, I had claimed him as my own. His body belonged to me, everything belonged to me. Everything about him.

I don't want to remember the details, especially how much I laughed, how much he hated him…how much we fought. I had moved to the window, staring at the sky, looking towards the blue sky. I hadn't seen it in time, I hadn't yet caught it, but he stabbed me in my chest, piercing through my clothes and my skin. I even wandered if he got my heart. He was frowning to me, yelling…cursing me that I still was living. Tears were brought to my eyes. I tried so hard to tell him I was sorry, that I hadn't meant to do that. But he didn't say anything. The barrier dropped and he left me as soon as he was decent.

I was lying there, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling, wandering to myself that same thought that year ago when I was laying on the vine, thinking about death. How my cold body was losing its warmth. How I wanted to snuggle into Death. How I wanted it to embrace me, stroke my hair, soothe my pains. Take the pain away from my chest. The burning pain I was feeling.

But…

I'm not dead yet…


End file.
